the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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