remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
