Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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