Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
