Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
