You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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