I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
