Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
