i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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