I need to stop coming to work sober
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
