The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize