She's JV to your varsity
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
