I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
