The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize