I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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