singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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