living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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