So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
