and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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