You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Still dying that you shit outside
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize