so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
