Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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