I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
