maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
