Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
barbara walters just said penis...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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