The maid of honor just puked.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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