ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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