I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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