If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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