Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
please come you make the beer taste better
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You are the jesus of drinking
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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