omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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