There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
