Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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