well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
