i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
