last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
