You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
