But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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