Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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