I can't watch pbs sober anymore
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
