i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
