Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
