How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I am midnight drunk by noon
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Randomize
