Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Randomize
