Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
her vagine was all disorganized.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
