Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
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