Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
