i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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