There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
