That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
