Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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