i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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