Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
