I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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