So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize