dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
