I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Randomize
