I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
