just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize