I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize