Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Randomize
