because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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