She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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