cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
