I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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